“Seriously, Jesus started the whole wait-three-days thing—he waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he’d have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn’t have even heard that he died. They’d be all, ‘hey, Jesus, what up?’ And Jesus would probably be like, ‘what up??? I died, yesterday!’ Then they would be all, ‘uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude.’ And then Jesus would have to explain he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then the dude would be like, ‘uh OK, whatever you say, bro.’ He’s not going to come back on a Saturday—everybody’s busy, doing chores, working their looms, trimming their beards. No, he waits the exact right number of days: Three. Plus, it’s Sunday, so everybody’s already in church already. They’re in there all, ‘no, Jesus is dead.’ Then, bam, he bursts through the back door, everybody’s totally psyched, then FYI: That’s when he invented the high five. So no, we wait three days, because that’s how long Jesus wanted us to wait.”